Final Destination 3

James Wong
2006

I love the Final Destination franchise in theory, and it's been pretty decent so far in practice, but with the third installment it looks like time might finally be up for this novel series. This time around the marked teens in question avoid grisly death via malfunctioning rollercoaster. The lead kids get wise to "death's plan" and realize that digital photographs taken the night of the accident reveal how each potential victim will/could meet their end. The big gripe here is the completely useless CGI effects used in the kill scenes. The mounting tension of each nail-biting scenario is adequate but the payoff just isn't there in any capacity. This isn't a knee-jerk digital vs. practical effects screed either, the lack of care and money are up there on the screen to prove that these types of effects aren't a legitimate way to cut down on costs. That said lead actress Mary Elizabeth Winstead is plenty easy on the eyes and it's still devilishly satisfying to see the series' trademark mousetraps coalesce. If there were more money, time, and care spent on the violent visuals (it is a horror movie after all) it would be a different story entirely.

The Dead Zone

David Cronenberg
1983

This one's a little anomalous in Cronenberg's 80's output, the era in which he really hits his stride as an auteur. Not nearly as radical in terms of body-horror as either "Videodrome" (1983) or "The Fly" (1986), and not as genre-oriented as "Scanners" (1981), the film is closest to the cold otherworldliness of "Dead Ringers" (1988), but far more commercially viable. Christopher Walkin awakes after years in a coma to find his sweetheart has moved on. He soon realizes that he's able to see the past and future by making direct physical contact with those around him. Seen as both a crank and a local sensation Walkin uses his newfound ability to prevent tragedies and help the police apprehend a serial killer. This generally tight picture loses it's way after the first two acts, becoming mired in an expositional setup that could have been cultivated just as effectively early on - this is most likely the result of slavishly following Stephen King's source novel. For all it's accessibility Cronenberg's stamp shines through in clinical camerawork and distant performances. It may not be as extremely out-there as much of his other work, but it definitely fits snugly within the ouvre.

Troll 2

Claudio Fragasso
1990

I got turned onto this one when my buddy sent me Youtube clips boasting that it was "the worst movie ever made," coupled with it's ironic notoriety as a midnight-movie favorite. Made with Italian money and crew, and an American cast, it would seem that "Troll 2" is a sequel in name only. The word Troll is never used, being replaced with the equally goofy "goblin." The Waits family's getaway vacation to rural "Nilbog" (read that one in the mirror) is continually disrupted when moppet son Joshua insists that the town is inhabited by evil goblins hell-bent on transforming them into half man, half plants, which happens to be the goblins' favorite food. With the help of his ghostly Grandfather Joshua is able to resist the menace, stopping time in order to piss on the family's poison laced dinner, and other such ludicrous lifesaving acts. The film is a hoot at first, perfect for late night brew 'n view with a couple pals, but the appeal doesn't last with the final third of the picture being about as pleasurable as pulling teeth. The feeble makeup effects include immobile rubber halloween masks for the goblins and a liberal use of green frosting applied to victims of the goblins' trickery. Truly awful.

The Woman in the Window

Fritz Lang
1944

Edward G. Robinson stars in Fritz Lang's celebrated noir as a mild-mannered professor, a performance which may be the most tame I've seen the old bulldog play to date (the witness boss in "Double Indemnity" ( 1944) comes to mind, but even that has an air of unemotional toughness to it). With the wife and kid out of town Professor Wanley finds himself in Joan Bennett's apartment. She's the subject of a painting Robinson and his pals at the gentlemen's club have been fawning over, and he makes her acquaintance against his better judgement, partly for bragging rights, and partly from enchantment. The party's crashed by a jealous lover which the team kills in self defense. Robinson goes from upstanding citizen to murder accomplice in a few brief moments. The film's strong suite is the tense Hitchcockian suspense (peppered with irony), that comes from an average man thrust into a dreadful and macabre situation. Not only is the body's disposal a harrowing experience, but through happenstance, the nerve-wracked professor is forced to return to the remote crime scene with a police detective friend who is completely unaware of his companion's guilt. The gleefully sinister noose-tightening on the lead is excellent, but unfortunately Bennett's performance is a bit wooden, and the terrible ending smacks of studio intervention. Clearly this film could have been cleverly ended without requiring Robinson's suicide, or the ever-cliched "it was all a dream" gag. I'm disappointed with this one considering it's reputation.

Gutterballs

Ryan Nicholson
2008

Established effects/makeup artist Ryan Nicholson's latest directing experiment is an unapologetic throwback to 80's trash horror with it's direct-to-video feel, obsession with gore, and expectedly atrocious acting. Resplendent in it's repugnance and loose DIY sensibility "Gutterballs" co-opts the standard slasher premise merely as a vehicle for wanton sex and splatter. Vapid potty-mouthed teens (who look well into their 30's) face off in a tournament bowling match which deteriorates into a scuffle and eventually a brutal gang rape. When the game reconvenes the next day the athletes find themselves stalked and offed, in ways both gruesome and hilarious, by a bogeyman sporting a bowling-ball bag on top of his/her melon. Hack 'n slash is the picture's reason for being and Nicholson mixes up his kills with a good blend of the ghastly and amusing. The two most memorable setpieces involve murder by sixty-nine sex position (suffocated by genitals!), and an amazing decapitation by shotgun. Also notable is the amount of penis on display - lowbrow as it may be, Nicholson exhibits a surprising equal-opportunity approach in displaying nudity, something extremely rare for a genre that usually has at least one requisite topless scene. It should go without saying that the thrills here are cheap and tasteless, and it's only likely to please connoisseurs of garbage cinema. Connoisseurs of garbage cinema like me.

Monkey Shines

George A. Romero
1988

This is sadly one of the great George Romero's lesser works, which shouldn't be surprising considering the film features a diminutive homicidal monkey at it's center. It's easy to see what Romero's going for, and the themes work on a cerebral level - there's some nice body horror with the vital leading male reduced to quadriplegia in his prime, and there's some interesting questions raised about humanity's relationship with animals in the expressive performance of Capuchin costar Boo. Unfortunately the budget's too low and the monkey is too cute to make the scares successful on any sort of visceral level. The film is most effective when displaying a crippled Jason Beghe losing himself in mounting rage and displaying his descent into a state of resolute and irreconcilable bitterness. A nice highlight is an extra-greasy Stanley Tucci as a hotshot lethario surgeon.

The Miracle of Morgan's Creek

Preston Sturges
1944

It seems that no matter how hard I try I still have a difficult time appreciating Preston Sturges movies. Yeah "Sullivan's Travels" (1941) is great, and I know he's sort of considered one of early Hollywood's only true auteurs, but taking that into account maybe there's something to be said for studio oversight. It's not that his films are particularly bad, in fact the ones I've seen have all been passable or above average, but none so far have had that certain level of endlessly rewatchable brilliance. In other words, I'll take a "Bringing up Baby" (1938) over "The Lady Eve" (1941) any day, or any Marx Brothers movie over "Unfaithfully Yours" (1948). This one's got a pretty scandalous premise for post-code Hollywood as an overripe Betty Hutton wakes up after a night of entertaining departing servicemen to find out that she's been knocked up with no memory of who the father could be. Her pining admirer, the town weenie, takes up the mantle of baby-daddy to clear his love's name in the short term, and goes to ludicrous extremes in an attempt to permanently keep the scandal from seeing light. Hutton and her scheming Sis provide a fun anchor to the more clueless and blustery male characters, their father, town constable Kockenlocker (amazing screwball name) is a perfectly gruff shotgun-toting father and his back in forth with the grating and annoying Norval (Eddie Bracken) is the film at it's finest. Some of the slapstick sequences seem to drag on - particularly the ones involving Bracken. While the film's story is quite good, particularly the deus ex machina ending, it seems to suffer from poor casting (with the notable exception of Hutton and William Demearest), with supporting characters either over or underplaying their roles.

The Match Factory Girl

Aki Kaurismaki
1990

The final installment of Kaurismaki's "Proletarian Trilogy," is the most taut and stylistically tight installment in the series, but is also the least appealing, with it's lifeless nihilism left mostly unpunctuated by the humor critics have been so quick to over-praise. Kaurismaki standy Kati Outinen stars as Iris, the titular factory worker living an utterly joyless existence cooking for, and cleaning up after, her mother and stepfather. After being jilted in love and then kicked out by her parents Iris finally becomes proactive in exacting a deliciously macabre revenge. Upon reflection it's easy to remember what makes "The Match Factory Girl" special. Outinen puts in a brilliantly reserved performance - a stoic poker-face almost completely unreadable makes those rare moments when we're let in all the more rewarding. While Iris's inner life is mostly off limits one still feels a tremendous amount of intimacy in the time spent with her. The few pleasures she experiences, a beer in a cafe, and the dubious excitement of a one night stand, seem all the sweeter. Kaurismaki is best at tapping into the absurdity of "being cool," and his pessimistic sense of humor is usually masterful. The problem with "The Match Factory Girl" is that these sensibilities are pushed over the edge into Todd Solondz-misanthropy territory. It's obvious from the get-go that there's no hope for Iris, and if the game is rigged than why bother playing?

Suspiria

Dario Argento
1977
Second Viewing

I was surprised to find after re-viewing the best known of Dario Argento's nightmare fairy tales, that I much prefer both "Phenomena" (1985) and the more traditional slasher "Opera" (1987), to the first installment of his "Three Mothers" trilogy. Strange things begin happening the moment Suzy Bannion (Jessica Harper) arrives at a prestigious dance academy, as she's initially turned away in the middle of a downpour, and a fellow student is murdered in classic Argento fashion (thrown through multiple panes of glass, stabbed, and hung dramatically). Sinister events continue as Suzy falls ill due to a mysteriously enforced diet, and a plague of plump maggots rain from the ceiling - it becomes apparent that a malefic heart is at work deep within the school's walls. The film's stylistic hallmark is it's nauseating phantasmagoria of bright colors, which go a long way toward creating the fantastical and otherworldly feel of the dance academy. I'm particularly fond of the film's title card, a pulsating and glistening line of what appear to be prosthetic rubber letters against a black backdrop - a three dimensional title is definitely something you don't see too often anymore. While the aforementioned maggots, and final confrontation are pretty excellent, there's not quite enough scares here to make it really stand out. Most disappointingly, the famous scene in which Suzy's buddy Sara falls into a pit of razor wire doesn't come off as grisly as it should be due to murky cinematography and the visual distortion of color gels. Also, it seems that Argento shoots his wad too early with the film's opening murder scene, as no scene after really measures up.

The Wrestler

Darren Aronofsky
2008

Indie geek Darren Aronofsky's latest picture may be his least sensational and most grounded to date, which is a hoot considering it takes place in the spectacle-driven world of "pro" wrestling. It's been hailed as Mickey Rourke's big comeback picture even though he did a spectacular job in 2005's "Sin City." When all's said and done "The Wrestler's" a tough one to take seriously as it suffers from not one, but three painfully cliched conceits/tropes. The first and most ham-fisted of these cardinal sins is Marisa Tomei's stripper love interest Cassidy. No knock on Tomei, who does a great job with what she's given, but a stripper love interest? Seriously? The number two fumble comes from the completely expected, completely rote inclusion of Rourke's long suffering abandoned daughter and his pathetic attempts at reconciliation. Again, the acting from both Rourke and Evan Rachel Wood is fine work, but the scripting of this relationship is utter hacksville. Finally, Randy "The Ram" Robinson is saddled with a bum-ticker to put a little fire under the drama. Admittedly this isn't as cheesy a notion as the previous two, but there's something a little too expected about it. Any two of these cinematic stumbles would be cause for disapproval, but having all three in tandem goes a long way to ruining what pleasures "The Wrestler" does have to offer. Sure, Mickey Rourke is great. Sure, the milieu of the low-rent wrestling circuits provides some evocative atmospherics. But the almost never-ending deluge of stale plotting ruins the fine performances, clever touches of humor, and the sadness of faded glory.

Happy-Go-Lucky

Mike Leigh
2008

Regardless of whether you like the movie or not, you've got to be something of a gargoyle if you don't derive at least a little pleasure from Mike Leigh's latest and most cheerful film. This low-conflict character study should be required viewing for all film school students just itching to shoot shorts about hitmen, drug dealers, drug addicts, girls with anorexia, girls who commit suicide, and gangsters (all from the unlikely location of a dorm room). "Happy-Go-Lucky" examines elementary school teacher Poppy (effortlessly and effervescently played by Sally Hawkins) as she navigates relationships with her roommate, sisters, co-workers, and Scott, an emotionally damaged driving instructor. Poppy's perpetually sunny attitude is no escapist impulse, but is instead a brave strategy for dealing with life's many burdens. After all, she confronts the world's ugliness head on when dealing with a violent student, approaching a mentally disturbed vagrant, and in managing Scott's enraged meltdown. It's easy for a character this extreme to become a parody of herself, but Leigh maintains a firm hand in keeping things firmly rooted in reality. I was also pleased to find that the picture is more of a comedy than anything else, with it's fair share of outright gags, and by saturating Poppy's cheeky banter with plenty of sexual innuendo. One of 2008's best.

The Terror of Tiny Town

Sam Newfield
1938

A western with an all "little people" cast! Despite the diminutive players this clunker has very little to offer with a tired Yojimbo meets Romeo and Juliet plot, grating musical numbers, and the occasional taste of dopey comedy. If anything this picture will remind you of how funny ponies are - whether galloping across ranchland or just tied up outside, ponies are silly looking animals. I spent half the film trying to figure out if the intense prune wrinkles on the rival ranch owner were real or makeup, and was disturbed by the conclusion that they were in fact real. It's also a little surprising that given the decidedly light nature of picture, some characters are brutally gunned down and killed. This one's got novelty going for it, but little else.

Conquest of the Planet of the Apes

J. Lee Thompson
1972

Man, each successive installment in the Planet of the Apes franchise just seems to get better and better, and while this enthusiasm may be slightly exaggerated, there's no doubt that each of the first four films are solid worthwhile achievements. Cornelius and Zirra's kid Caesar grows up in a world where apes are pressed into servitude by a mostly unfeeling human race. Caesar is incensed at the injustice and uses his mega-smarts to start an ape revolution! The caveat responsible for the apes slavery, an interstellar plague that wiped out domesticated dogs and cats leaving a void soon filled by ape companionship (and then perverted into forced service), is a pleasantly weird stretch of the imagination, and the film gains much of it's appeal from the inherently inspiring quality underground freedom-fighters possess. Fur and feces fly as liberated apes take up arms and take over the concrete cities of men. A particularly excellent scene involves the apes distributing weapons secretly in a cellar, plotting their overthrow by night.